Dementia Daughter

Life. Caregiving. Surviving.

It has been a while since I have posted anything. I realized that this blog is not only a resource for others but also an outlet for me and a form of therapy.

It has been a year. My mom continues to live in assisted living. Some days are good, some are better, some really suck. She forgot me for the first time a few weeks ago. She said, “You look so much like Lori.”. I said, “I am Lori.” I’m not sure she ever figured that out on that day. She has known me every time since then.

She needs the highest level of care now and frankly; it is costing a fortune. It makes me so sad to see all my parents’ savings gone and I am now trying to make sure it lasts through as all as she needs it. She has some income and enough to make it through the year. I do need to start planning for the possibility of running out of $$. Does that mean Medicaid? Does that mean my brother and I start paying for her care? It could happen, but her health is declining at a faster rate and not sure she will make it a year. She has beaten all the odds thus far so only God knows. Best to be prepared.

Still feeling the guilt for not quitting my job and taking care of her myself. Wondering why she is still here. Also not wanting her to go. Her quality of life is meh, but she does still enjoy visits and activities. Lucky to have a good facility that has its challenges, but overall great care. She would just hate this if she had all of her faculties about her. She can’t do anything for herself, and I am out of ideas to keep her occupied.

Seh can’t hear, can barely see, can’t get out of bed, is in a wheelchair 100% of time when she isn’t in bed or in her recliner. She still has hallucinations and is very paranoid about everything. It is rarely a visit where she isn’t angry or worried about someone out to get her, being robbed, people stealing her things, my dad (who passed 5 years ago) drinking too much, marrying other women and having kids with several women. I know it is the disease, but I have been hearing this for at least 5 years. I know it is mixture of guilt, loss, grief and fear of the unknown causing this.

Sometimes being a dementia practitioner is a real drag because I understand too much. Sometimes I wish my head didn’t analyze everything and look for solutions. Maybe I just need to let it just be. Life marches on. I will try harder to just be happy for the good days and make it through the bad.

If any of this helps you, I am glad. Maybe you can relate or you have similar feelings. I hope you are making your way, making time for yourself and making an effort to have an outlet, like this blog. Whatever it is, find it.

Good luck and know that even if we don’t know each other, I am rooting for you!